


Pa-Paya

by vanitaslaughing



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gen, Psychological Torture, does this count as canon compliant., post Adventurer from Another World/A Nocturne for Heroes, what the hell is this anyway, yeah that works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 00:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18487228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanitaslaughing/pseuds/vanitaslaughing
Summary: Paya Papaya Paya Pa-Paya (Pa-Paya)or: Ignis Scientia has to deal with a... strange song from an even stranger world.





	Pa-Paya

**Author's Note:**

> [FOR BEST EFFECT LISTEN TO THIS NONSTOP](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8dTnavUMnk)
> 
> thanks matt and his fc for the. inspiration.

At first, he’d humoured the notion. It was whimsical, the others were _elated_ to have that song playing, honestly, as far as Ignis was concerned this was perfect.

At first.

After three hours, he moved his hand to switch to the radio. Prompto slapped his hand away. After five, he tried again; and Noctis all but dug his hands into his shoulders from behind. After seven, he heard Gladio growl lowly as to not wake up the other two. It was grating. It was absolutely and completely grating, and by the very heavens and the Hexatheon themselves, he was going to turn this car around, drive back to Duscae, and grind Y’jhimei’s skull into fine dust.

But he didn’t. They had reached their destination anyway.

This wouldn’t repeat.

* * *

Even in his nightmares he heard the same syllables repeated over and over. It repeated. Endlessly. Over and over and over and over, ghastly, haunting, never-ending and grating.

Of course it had been foolish to assume that it would be any different. Very, very foolish. Ignis knew. Ignis knew his best friend and his companions on the road too well by this point—he should have never assumed that this would not repeat. Eventually Noctis even booted him from the driver’s seat and into the back seat, the endless loop of this idiotic song that Y’jhimei and Noctis had fondly talked about drilling through his skull to the point of exhaustion. He asked, of course.

“Please,” he whispered, but unrelenting as the King of Lucis was, the torture continued. Ignis already made mental notes to never _look_ at a papaya again. Gods. Gods, was this just a cruel joke to make him stop buying fruit? When had Noctis gotten this sadistic? Was there going to be a song about beans and asparagus next? He wouldn’t be able to take this.

Hours passed as they hopped from hunt to hunt. And every time they sat in the Regalia, the same dulcet tones of his endless torment started playing.

Prompto still hummed along. Even _Gladio_ was humming along. It had been four hours since they departed for Lestallum to get their rewards.

At this rate, Ignis was going to tear them all into fine ribbons. The moment he summoned his weapon to his hands, Noctis pulled over. With the sweetest, most innocent smile on his face, he said that maybe Ignis should drive again. The torture continued, the dull thump of the song by now being so familiar and terrible that Ignis resigned to his fate. This was how it was going to end. He was going to die because of a song that only had three syllables.

“Do you reckon Chancellor Izunia is in Lestallum,” he croaked when the car entered the tunnel.

“Why? You got a crush on him or something?”

“No, Gladio. I think I have figured out how to torture a man to death without touching him. All I would need would be Y’jhimei’s gift.”

“Hell no,” Noctis piped up from the back seat, “forget it, Specs. If you wanna torture Ardyn, be my fuckin’ guest, but do it with something else. Plenty of other kinds of torture around that don’t involve the best song ever.”

Prompto coughed, grabbed his phone and texted something urgently. Gladio and Noctis both snorted when Ignis pulled into the parking lot. At least getting out of the car meant that there would be blissful silence, only the street musicians in Lestallum as background noise. He did peek at a phone as they left for their reward, and scowled at his friends. “Please. What are you, five? If I were to employ any of this on the Imperial Chancellor he might fall apart and turn into sand. Besides, there are much better ways of destroying an adversary than resorting to something as childish as, what did you call it. Cock and—”

“Ugh,” Prompto groaned. “Don’t. Don’t say these words. I’m sorry, okay.”

For a blessed moment, Ignis had the upper hand.

* * *

He lost it the next time they were in the car, with Iris joining them for a small trip outside. Unfortunately for him, she too agreed that the song was the best. Then she requested some papayas. Gladio made them all comply, and Ignis swore that he could take over Niflheim by himself just with pent up rage alone.

Thankfully enough, that was a short trip.

The next long trip took them to Hammerhead. Hours upon hours on the streets, with a mandatory stop halfway through because of the sun setting. Ten hours of continuous whimsical music. Ten hours of pure, unfiltered, absolutely relentless horror as the same voice continued saying the same syllables. Over. Over. Over.

At some point he swore he completely blacked out for a few minutes, and when he next came to the car was still perfectly on the street, driving along.

He slept uneasily that night, tossed, turned, and when he woke he knew that deep down within his soul of souls now dwelled an intense dislike for papayas. Whatever those Eorzeans did, he wanted none of it. Hells, perhaps he ought to become one of these Calamities that Y’jhimei had mentioned the last time they had visited her. The last time… the time before this horrid song started playing in every of his waking and sleeping moments.

The second leg of the journey was… less than pleasant. He almost _begged_ the stars to send an imperial dropship down upon them, wanted some sort of giant monster charge across the dusty streets of Leide. Nothing of the sort happened. He was suffering alone, in silence, with his hands clutching the steering wheel like a lifeline.

But much like anything under intense stress, he snapped eventually. His three bogus friends had started singing along. Loudly. Off-key. He had tolerated it for an hour. Then Prompto started all but yodelling along.

That was the absolute final straw.

Ignis Scientia, voted most well-behaved and serious person in the Citadel, slammed the brakes on the Regalia hard enough that the tires screeched. Noctis tumbled back into the car with a strangled cry, and he heard the distinct sound of something breaking. Oh, he was going to feel so guilty for breaking Noctis’ wrist like this, but he had reached the absolute limit. Gladio had bonked his head against the front seat, and Prompto had barely managed to save his phone.

“Iggy, the hell?” Said the back seat.

“Ough… Specs, what’s wrong?” Said the second back seat.

“Yikes!” Said the front seat.

Ignis shook with barely concealed rage as the idiotic song continued playing.

“We,” he began in a very low tone that he normally reserved for when he was trying to threaten people. His friends all paled and stopped what they were doing, from trying to apply an elixir to a broken wrist to fussing with a phone. “Have been. Listening. To this. Accursed. Song.” He slowly let go of the steering wheel and turned to look at the other three. Prompto and Gladio paled visibly, and Noctis’ expression went from annoyance to blank horror. _“For. Thirteen. Bloody. Hours.”_

“Specs—“

“ _And that is. Only. Today._ Let me be frank. Your _Highness._ One. One more minute. Of this audio torture. And I will. Crash. This. Entire. Car. You will let me. Change. To the bloody fucking radio if we are to arrive at Hammerhead in one piece. I have absolutely no qualms about killing all of us. Are we _clear?”_

Prompto squeaked. Gladio wrung his hands.

Noctis however smiled. “Well, guys. You owe me 10,000 gil each. He lasted longer than 5 minutes and a day.”

Ignis inhaled. Exhaled. Prompto jumped out of the car to escape ground zero. Gladio, too, backed into the car seat as much as he could while the advisor’s expression went from seething rage to a wide smile. It was that exact moment that Noctis realised what he had just said.

“Uh-oh.”

“Run! Noct, Gladio, c’mon!”

Gladio said nothing and merely grabbed Noctis and yanked him out of the car. The car continued playing the song as Ignis slowly undid his seat belt and paused for a moment.

He jumped onto the seat, his weapons by his side in a flash of crystalline blue.

“ _ **NOCTIS LUCIS CAELUM!”**_

* * *

Honestly, the only thing sweeter than this would have been a can of Ebony. Nonetheless, Ignis quite enjoyed snapping that disc with his bare hands.

Y’jhimei had back-ups anyway. But for now, blessed silence.

Blessed silence until poor innocent Cindy asked if they wanted some fruit while they waited for Cid to finish inspecting the Regalia.

Oh yes.

Yes.

He _hated_ papayas.


End file.
